I feel guilty doing nothing

The year 2014 was an intense year for my family.  I felt like we were still recovering from a few intense years previous to 2014 but as 2013 ended, the stress level was pushed to a whole new level.  As 2014 approached, we were already in the midst of our first born's senior year of high school, trying to savor all those last moments of her childhood, planning celebrations, and preparing the launch to college.  Just as the holidays approached in December 2013, a crisis grenade exploded at my husband's place of employment.

We plunged in 2014 grasping to the knot in our rope, completely dependent upon God's strength.   The darkest daylight days of the year, holidays, transitioning family life, snow, epic cold, and an epic crisis.  It was intense.  It was difficult for me to grasp as I really thought the a few events of the recent years had been trying to the core.  I remember being thankful for many things as I attempted to remain cool on top while peddling furiously underneath.  It became a period of leaning on God's strength daily.

A full year later we were mostly back to typical life.  Child graduated and in college, work schedule back to typical hours as the crisis abated, regular life stresses, we were still finding our footing and recovering.  Christmas morning, my husband quietly spoke in my ear my present: vacation.

One word, vacation.  My face lit up, I squealed with delight, and hugged him tight.  Vacation: time together, time without his employer, time without daily pressures, no cooking or cleaning, adventure, and rest.  Now to chose a destination.  The destination selection took some doing but we finally settled on a Bahama cruise.  Our first adventure on a cruise ship.  With some trepidation I awaited departure day, entirely unsure of this adventure on a ship.  I admit to a little concern of finding my sea legs.

Our time finally arrived and we skipped off on our adventure on a cold, wintry morning.  Evening found us in summer temperatures and palm trees.  Vacation at last.  Five days away from everyday, normal routine and pressures.  We put our electronic devices away and savored the warm sun and new experiences.

During this incredible time, I found myself sitting in the sun, toes in sand, soaking in much needed Vitamin D from the sun.  It was great but I was feeling guilty.  Guilty for sitting there instead of exploring the island, or snorkeling in the ocean, or doing some adventure.  I said to my husband, "I feel so guilty.  Is it okay to just sit here?  Shouldn't we be doing something?"  All the while desiring to just sit with my toes in the sand.  A juxtaposition.  We agreed to just sit and savor the sand, water, and sun.  It was an effort to r.e.l.a.x. and enjoy.  But I did and I loved it!

The next day, my headache I was battling steam rolled into a migraine making me miserable.  I was forced to lay down, be still, and rest - miserable as I was, I was forced into rest.  I was on vacation, sick, miserable and again dependent upon God for strength.  But my friends, God is faithful.  Allowing me to participate in the scheduled dolphin swim, the migraine abating for a window of time for this amazing life long dream to be full-filled.  Either side of this time, I was incapacitated with migraine symptoms.  Later God showed me a path to relief through acupuncture allowing me to fully enjoy the final day of our vacation.  On that final day, I fully enjoyed sitting, doing nothing productive, enjoying the warm sun and the presence of my family on a beautiful ship.  I rested.

I am now back to the normal pressures of life, cooking, cleaning, snow, and cold.  A week later, the vacation glow is beginning to fade but I am attempting to keep it alive with hopes of another trip next winter.  It might not happen but the hope of it makes me smile with pleasure and brings up sweet memories.  Although the vacation glow is fading, the few days of rest has renewed me, giving me new perspective and energy to rejoin the regular routine and stress of life.

As I return, I am surrounded with information about boundaries, Sabbaths, and rest.  Today in Bible study we discussed how our culture values busyness, how we often find validation in our activities.  Yet God commanded Sabbath or rest.  God modeled rest, by resting the 7th day following 6 days of creation.  I am seeing a lesson God desires me to learn and embrace:  rest, guilt free rest.  It promises to be a journey which started in the most delightful way called vacation.  I stand in awe of a loving God that starts a lesson in a discipline of rest with a fantastic, restful vacation.  Rest will not always be in the form of vacation, but I will learn how to rest at home surrounded by regular life.   Looking forward to see how God provides rest.