A momma's heart

The end of the school year approaches.  Another academic year of my child's life is nearly complete.  Each year we anticipate the freedom from the rigid structure and schedule of the school year into a more fluid schedule.  This year, though, as the end nears, my heart swells and my eyes threaten to leak.  Although, I do look forward to the summer months, this end of the school year marks a beginning of an end to our current family life. This academic year, my youngest child will only have one remaining year of high school to complete.  One year, that will pass quickly and then .... it's done.  I've been here before, the senior year, with our older child.  It is an emotional year.  This year threatens to be more momentous as it being our final time, can my momma's heart hold up?

As I ponder this next twelve months, my momma's heart grips with a mixture of pride and grief.  Pride of the amazing young lady this child is and how privileged I am to be her momma.  Grief in the fact that our 'formal' child rearing days are nearly over.  My husband and I have had the distinct honor of raising two girls in our home.  Parenthood did not live up to my dreams.  In many ways it surpassed them and devastated them at the same time.  I have loved our little family, our days together, and now I am looking at empty nest square in the face.

Last night, my baby, attended her junior prom.  She and I had a delightful time preparing for the event including selecting the dress to the actual preening in the hours prior. With all the preening complete, the sight before my eyes was mystifyingly beatitful.  My girl, who has the biggest heart, usually donning easy to wear clothes to participate in any pick-up game/activity, looked stunning in her gown, hair coiffed and curled, and make-up applied.  This beauty contains a golden gem inside of a heart of gold.   As I pondered her, I watched her true beauty shine forth from the depth of her heart.

This child of mine, included me in her day.  Allowing me in her preparations rather than a girlfriend.  How special a time for me that has left me in  a puddle.  I am not a fashionista or make-up artist.  As we preened together, I knew this was a special time.  I tried to savor the moments, knowing they are fleeting.  I tried not to envision her potential wedding day, but I couldn't help it.    I get to be her momma, her goodness does not come from me but from her love of Jesus.  Want a peek at her beauty?  Ok,  just a peek:

Junior prom is now history, in a few weeks she will complete her junior year and embark on the senior year.  Summer will bring senior photo session.  In the fall, I will attempt to hold back the tears as I watch her play her final high school soccer games, attend homecoming, complete the milestones of childhood.  In a few short months, I will be hosting a party to celebrate her graduation.  And then it will be off to college.  BUT WAIT.....  I am going to much too quick.  Right now, I am going to enjoy these moments and live in the moment.    I WILL savor every moment to the very last.  I will smile with pride through tears and enjoy all these moments.

God gave me these precious children for a time.  I have done the best I could to raise them in His sight.  I have failed and succeeded.  I have held on too tight and sometimes too loosely.  The letting go is bittersweet.  The empty nest is daunting and exhilarating.

I keep holding onto God's promises.  For many years, through the intense child rearing,  I clung to the promise of :

Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

 Now as I look into the empty nest and our lives shifting I more hold onto:

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I do not know the future but I know the One who does know the future.  It does not mean I will not weep as I say good-bye.